Admitting Defeat
by kimper
Summary: Renjis' thoughts on Rukia and... One Shot!


A/N: Something kinda quick I wrote to try out first person. Written for the 7snogs lj community. Please Read And Review!

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Bleach!

"Renji. Renji!" I could hear her calling my name, demanding my presence, insisting I dance attendance to her wishes, unafraid of her welcome in engaging such assumptions.

Things have changed so much, so quickly. Before she left, before her trip to the human world, we had shared, confiding thoughts, baring feelings, even attaining a physical closeness of sorts, slowly, gradually progressing. Now things were different, completely, irrevocably altered.

I know the reason and I don't begrudge her happiness but I don't exactly want to be too close to it, watching it, living it, my heart cracking, bleeding a little more each second. I understand why I'm pushing her away, forcing the distance between us. I acknowledge and forgive myself for this character flaw, I'm not perfect and most certainly never will be. It's Rukia that just doesn't get it, can't or won't, accept it.

She assumes we can go back to the way we used to be, doesn't see any reason for change.

She wouldn't, I admit smirking sadly.

She'd always been a bit of an emotional virgin, and a shy one at that. It took her forever to admit, to realize any change of feelings, any distortion of sentiments. I smile, fondly remembering that time, by the river…

"_Aren't the stars beautiful tonight Renji?" she'd asked in her happy sing song voice, for the moment content with the world and her place in it. "There are so many out, so bright and clear. Do you believe the old wives tale that each of us has our own special star? I wonder which one is mine?" she asks, looking at me questioningly._

_Lying in the grass beside her, arm thrown under her head to pillow her from the hard, cold ground, I pulled my gaze away from her beautiful, expressive face to glance at the night sky that had her so entranced. _

_It really was very pretty, like pure white grains of sand floating in a perfect blue ocean, calming, soothing. _

"_I dunno, Rukia," I spotted a star off to the side, glowing more vibrantly than the others, like it was pouring its very soul out for all to see. "I would think that would be yours," I pointed my finger toward the bright, shining star.  
_

"_Why did you pick that one?" she asked curiously._

"_Why do you think, Rukia?"_

"_Hmm," she gnawed her lower lip gently, inadvertently teasing me with her perfect, white teeth. "I know!" she shook excitedly, like a little child raising their hand in school for the first time. "It's because there are actually two, resting so close together that they are as one!"_

_Looking closer, narrowing my eyes, I saw that she was right. There were indeed two stars there, though at first glance it looked like only one. The second was behind and slightly to the right of the first, making it hard to tell them apart. What was she meaning by their being two?_

"_Are you the other one Renji?" she murmured softly, embarrassed, burying her face in my shoulder as if embarrassed to ask me that question._

_I had waited years for this moment, decades for this chance. I have loved Rukia for as long as I can remember, and have always known, thought she didn't return my love in the same way. I had always been just like a brother to her as she would say, never a boyfriend, never a date, and certainly never a lover. _

_Feeling her face press tighter against my robe as she sighed, I knew it was time to answer._

"_Would you like me to be Rukia?" I whispered softly, hopefully._

_Raising her head she stared searchingly into my eyes, seeming to see my very soul, deeply enough to read the truth in my heart. Looking satisfied with what she found there, she slowly closed the distance between us, pressing her lips lightly against my own._

Shaking my head to clear it of the dusty, useless old memories, I stand, intent on fleeing before she has the chance to question me. I really cannot take anymore right now, please don't rub it in any worse Rukia, I silently beg, plead.

Hearing her coming closer I take a step in the direction of the forest, hoping to lose myself in its twisted, tangled paths, hoping to grieve in the privacy it offered, hoping to find solace in its peaceful, comforting quiet. Please leave me be, Rukia, please, I need to be alone for now.

I have never aimed for more than to be the man holding her, the husband cherishing her, the soul mate sharing all of her hopes and dreams. To wake with her by my side, in my arms, loving me, was all that I had aspired to.

Damn that orange haired kid, that human. With absolutely no effort, he was taking away what was mine, grasping it in his greedy, childish little human hands like he had the right to hold her, fucking thieving idiotic boy. What rights did he have? How lazy could a person be, to just walk in and take what another has worked so hard, so long for, cultivated.

Maybe I should just rip the heart out of my chest and hand it to him, it would probably hurt less, I decide nearing the welcoming, accepting embrace of the ancient, withering trees.

Entering the forest I finally weaken, letting the tears slide freely, flowing down my cheeks in a race to pour out the all consuming sorrow overwhelming my body.

Falling to my knees, I finally force myself to admit it…

I have lost.


End file.
